I want to thank [institution name here] for inviting me to speak today. [turning to introducer]—I'll assume you'll validate my parking...we'll talk later.
At any rate, this seems like the perfect time and place to share my memories of Christmas with all of you. I trust that my remarks will bring smiles and nods of nostalgic agreement as you all reminisce about your own "Christmases past"...and I don't mean the scary fat guy in the Dickens novel.
Christmas always seems to be a time to find one's self surrounded with family, friends, and food...and several other "f" words. Fun! Like “fun”…but, as I reflect, my thoughts go back to an earlier time, a simpler time: the Mesozoic era, where Dinosaurs ruled the Earth. Or maybe not, I really don't know much about the Mesozoic era. So instead I'll share my own childhood memories of Christmas with you.
I recall that every year, my brother and I would wake our family up early and we'd gather in the Living Room. My brother and I would take turns sitting under the tree: but we always thought the same thought...why couldn't our parents afford a tree stand like all of the other families? Well, I'm not complaining, it built up our shoulder muscles.
At any rate—[right about now you’ll be interrupted by your host] Oh, wait a moment...what? It isn't Christmas? But I thought...oh. OK ok. No, that's fine. That's ok. [now addressing the audience again] Well, it seems I've been the victim of a terrible miscommunication. But that's all right.
So, I guess this isn't a Christmas celebration and so my remarks are...I’m told, inappropriate for this venue. So, I'll just adjust on the fly! Adjusting on the fly is something you'll learn how to do now that you've graduated.
Let's see. [writing something on notes] COM-MENCE-MENT is a time for giving. [still marking it up] And while we all would like to think we understand the spirit of COM-MENCE-MENT, you don't really grasp its true meaning until you've been forced to live your life in utter squalor, standing with those less fortunate in long lines waiting for a volunteer to give you your next meal. Or a free rectal exam.
So, the next time you're buying COM-MENCE-MENT presents for someone you barely know just because their married to your boss's offspring, think about, instead, helping some other deserving soul on the other side of the planet, or even the other side of town, celebrate their own COMMENCEMENT.
No child should ever go hungry. It violates everything we've learned about COMMENCEMENT. So start making a difference today. Make this the COMMENCEMENT where you turn the corner...
...Only then by making every day COMMENCEMENT for everyone can we achieve our better natures.
I know you're hot in those robes, and as Tim Burton would say about COMMENCEMENT, the witching hour approaches, so I'll end my remarks there.
Make sure and enjoy the rest of your lives. MERRY COMMENCEMENT.